You know what? You know what? Yeah.

Focus? What, bofus?

Say huh?

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.

I would like to reserve a booth at the upcoming Franckoworld convention. We sell high quality consumer goods of the snuggie/oxiclean variety. Our salesmen are courteous but forceful. Can you provide the square footage available at the venue as well as the names of any reputable taxidermists in the immediate area?

We’ve got a park behind our place. I’ll reserve the picnic table closest to the portapotty for you and your men.

This could be a great opportunity for you. The attendees will have an urgent need to stay warm while keeping their hands free. I will require at least one Billy Mays look-a-like, and if there’s any way you could get Vince Offer to join your team, it would be much appreciated.

There’s a taxidermist next door to the place where I bought my bike on Main Street in Algonquin. I’m frightened that I know/remember that.

If I ever met you, I would immediately attack you with hugs. Would you be totally creeped out? Two part-How are your hugging skills?

I’m going to allow this. :)

I’m a six sigma black belt in hugging.

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.

Which brother do you like best, the ruggedly handsome one who ditched that one horse town, or the sniveling pasty one who still lives (practically) in his parents basement?

Neither of those sound familiar.

Also: I’m telling Mom.

How do you feel about full body scanners at airports?

Tingly.

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.

I’m trying to build up my business. Could you set out one long table or two card tables in your yard this spring? I think the people sleeping and filming in your yard would appreciate some chow from Wok ‘n Roll Catering.

That depends. How’s your Crab Rangoon?

If you answered “delicious” then welcome to Franckoworld.

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.

How did you get started doing cross-stitch?

I saw a pattern from Subversive Cross Stitch http://www.subversivecrossstitch.com/ that I wanted to make for a Christmas gift in 2007. I was sure I wasn’t going to be able to do it. I looked for finished versions on etsy but couldn’t find any, so I bought a kit. I haven’t stopped since. Seriously. My fingers really hurt. *sob*

Why do you cross stitch (as opposed to knitting, scrapbooking or something else?)

I’ve tried knitting once and I could never get the hang of it. I’m awful with paper, I can’t even wrap a present properly, so scrapbooking is out. I can’t draw or artfully arrange things, I just don’t have the eye for it. This is the first medium I’ve ever been able to use to express myself in an artistic way. There may be arguments as to whether or not that is a good thing. :)

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.

Is it wrong that I purposely pronounce Victor Hugo’s epic work “less miserables” instead of ‘lay miss a rob’?

Not at all. In fact, I think I heard somewhere that Mr. Hugo preferred it that way.

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.

what is the meaning of life?

42

How old would you be, if you didn’t know how old you were?

12. Thanks for the question, Satchel!

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.

Banger? I don’t even know her.

Hi, Tony! ^_^

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.

I figured you could ask Jamie: Do English people eat English muffins? Or are they just called muffins?

I think they call them crumpets. The English only eat things with charming names, like Bangers and Mash or Bubble and Squeak. Or Pukka Pies.

What’s your favorite thing to watch/listen to while you stitch?

I like to listen to podcasts like You Look Nice Today or PNSexplosion. I like to watch Mythbusters re-runs or Cinematic Titanic dvd’s.

I was thinking of shooting a documentary about that person sleeping in your yard this spring. Can you stick an extension cord out the window so we can charge our batteries?

YES.

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.

Would iphone using cows eat organic hay?

Trick question. Cows would not be able to activate the touch screen.

favorite curse word?

Fucknuckle.

If your boss texts you while you on vacation (about a non-emergency), is it out of line to tell him to fuck off?

I suppose it depends on how much you value your job. But yeah, that’s pretty messed up.

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.

What is your favorite kind of cookie?

I’m allergic to eggs. This is the best eggless cookie recipe EVER. http://www.egglesscooking.com/2009/01/23/best-chocolate-chip-cookies/

How much water do we REALLY need on the floor?

More.

It doesn’t matter how much there is. We always need more.

I’m thinking about visiting friends in Chicago this spring. I was also thinking about finding out where you live, and hanging out in your yard/stoop/whatever and just poorly stalking you until you realized who I am. I imagine that this would be HILARIOUS. But I also realize that things that are funny in my head, can be quite upsetting to other people. So, Creepy or Funny?

Not at all creepy, pretty funny, mostly awesome. Chances are I would do the same to you.

Have any unusual pet peeves?

Commercials make me grumpy, especially the ones that insult the intelligence of the viewer. It’s not unusual for me to sport angry jazz hands at a Miracle Whip commercial. “Oh, you WON’T tone it down, huh?!?!? Whatever shall we DO?”

Is this for here or to go?

Why, I enjoy your company so much, I think I’ll have to make it for here.

Do you find the phrase “loose slots” as funny as I do?

Hard to say. Probably?

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.

Chipotle: The best food ever, or merely in the last 200 years?

Best ever. DUH.

If you could choose only one, would you choose Bigfoot, Yeti or Loch Ness Monster?

Loch Ness Monster, hands down. I kind of have a thing for lake/sea monsters.

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.

Do you like the smell of your own farts?

Girls don’t fart, silly.

How’s the craft room coming along?

Actually, pretty good! I hope to have enough done to post pictures by February.

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.

Are you mad at me? I’ve fallen so behind listening to EP!!

Of course not! I love you!

I don’t know who you are, but still - there’s a pretty strong chance that I love you.

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.

What’s your favorite condiment?

If ketchup came in vats, we would buy them. That being said, I also have a rapturous enjoyment of mustard - the hotter the better.

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.

What is your very favorite embroidery that you’ve ever done?

It’s a tie between the Jonathan Coulton First of May sampler http://www.flickr.com/photos/beefranck/3108477305/ and the Squirrel Nut Zippers Hell sampler - http://www.flickr.com/photos/beefranck/3319384034/ because I feel like they are the best examples of what I’m trying to do with the stuff I make.

What’s it like to be so awesome?

Why are you asking me when you are the one who is awesome?

What should I have for lunch. Cereal? Or PB&J?

I’m having PB&J and hot chocolate. I’m not even having it over the sink this time! You have PB&J too and we’ll have a PB&J party.

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.

where do babies come from?

I feel a little uncomfortable answering this if you don’t already know, since I feel like this sort of thing is best left to a parent to answer… I’ll give you the answer my sister-in-law gave my niece.

When Mommies and Daddies get married, after the ceremony the priest has three babies for them to choose from. The Mommies and Daddies choose the one they know is theirs, and that is where you came from, sweetie.

Of course, being a sensitive child, my niece always wondered after the fate of the children left behind - not to mention the children that my husband and I must have ruthlessly abandoned since we have no children. We had to convince her that our choices were cats instead.

Yeah. This was WAY better than telling the truth

Ask me something. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.