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Billy, will you ask the cursing?

fancycwabs:

O Lord,

We ask that You curse the food of our enemies:

That their chicken salad be crawling with salmonella;

That their Jell-o be salty, yea, so salty that they spew it from their mouths,

Uttering curses, so salty that one of them makes a joke about the Morton Salt slogan,

“When it rains it pours” and another one smites him for making the joke;

That their asparagus be flaccid on the plate, yea,

As flaccid as the floppiest of dongs,

And colored an insipid gray-green hue;

That they neglect to inform the lactose-intolerant

About the garlic cream sauce, and yea, that they all be lactose-intolerant,

And that their moaning about cramps reach the very heavens;

That there is a race among them to the one bathroom in the house,

And angry shouting, and looking for alternative places to go,

And lo, there is none to be found;

That their food cause foul-smelling farts and fouler-tasting burps,

That persist, O Lord, for days,

To the point where their coworkers ask what the hell is wrong with them;

Yea Lord, as we are worthy,

We ask that their food be so cursed,

That they have to add another book to the Bible

To document the horrors wreaked upon our enemies by their food.

Your power and glory forever,

Amen.

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  4. jamiek said: new favorite ever post.
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